Last year, I was lucky enough to attend a workshop run by Kristin Neff, internationally recognised expert and academic researcher in self-compassion theory and practice. I was super excited to hear Dr Neff speak in person after following her work, reading her books and practising her meditations.
Kristin Neff, Associate Professor at the University of Texas at Austin, is one of the world’s leading experts on self-compassion research. With other experts in the field she has developed a wide range of tools and techniques as well as an 8-week program, affiliated with Harvard Medical School, to teach self-compassion skills. The course is called Mindful Self-Compassion and has been co-created by Neff and her colleague Chris Germer.
What is self compassion and how can it help you feel your best self?
Originating from Buddhist philosophy, self-compassion in its simplest terms is the concept of treating ourselves in the same way as we would treat a close friend. With kindness and compassion.
Neff asked us to imagine a friend coming to us with a difficulty of some sort or something emotional they were struggling with. She asked us to imagine what we would say; how we would say it; our body language and tone of voice. She then asked us to do the same exercise but with ourselves in the position of the friend.
I found this exercise fascinating as I was a lot more critical when speaking to myself than I was when imagining a friend. Indeed, the scientific evidence is clear that the majority of us are a lot more self-critical than we are with our friends and loved ones. Our inner voice is often laden with harsh critical language compared to the soothing, caring words we might use for a friend who is suffering.
Self-compassion and weight loss
I think self-compassion is particularly pertinent for women struggling to accept themselves, lose weight or get to a place where they are happy in their own bodies. There are often so many critical inner voices to contend with from “I am so fat and useless” to “I hate myself” to even worse (I used to say these things to myself). Ask yourself, would your best mates say these things to you?
Why is self-compassion good for us?
There is clear evidence to show strong links between self-compassion and well being such as a reduction in depression, stress, perfectionism, shame, anxiety, economic angst, body dissatisfaction and even chronic pain. Self-compassionate people are more likely to experience greater life satisfaction, happiness, motivation, optimism, body appreciation and even improved immune functioning. Consequently, there is growing evidence to support its effectiveness as a treatment in clinical settings in support of therapeutic work.
The three components of self-compassion
Neff has put together what she calls the three components of self-compassion: kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. The concepts overlap but are distinct from each other:
1. Self-compassion: Being kind to yourself
Striving for self-kindness and learning to speak to ourselves with a compassionate voice and calming our harsh critical voice is an essential component of self-compassion. An important part of this is realising that as human beings we are not perfect. It’s about recognising that making mistakes and failing is part of life. We shouldn’t unjustly punish ourselves for when things do not go as planned. For example, if you break your strict diet and have a chocolate bar, or you don’t manage to go to the gym after a busy day at work. It also isn’t about allowing ourselves to gorge or an excuse to be lazy.
Speaking to ourselves with kindness, softness and a gentle forgiving voice is much more effective than choosing to punish ourselves with critical language. As Neff writes:
“When we experience warm and tender feelings towards ourselves, we are altering our bodies as well as our minds. Rather than feeling worried and anxious, we feel calm, content, trusting and secure. Self-kindness allows us to feel safe as we respond to painful experiences, so that we are no longer operating from a place of fear”.
Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
You are not going to feel like going for a run or eating healthily if you chastise yourself with harsh words. Instead choose kind assertive and reassuring language.
2. Self compassion: a sense of shared humanity
The second component is developing a common sense of shared humanity. This brings us together when we are experiencing difficulties in our lives. Rather than feeling isolated and wallowing in our own self pity, which we are all prone to do, sharing in a wider sense of common suffering serves to connect us and makes us feel less alone.
Neff refers to her autistic son regularly and provides examples of the challenges she has experienced as a parent. One pertinent example she illustrates is when she is in the park with her 7-year-old son and he is having a tantrum and being disruptive. All the other children around appear to be playing nicely, being happy and interacting lovingly with their parents. Neff’s instant reaction is to say to herself ‘what is wrong with my child and why can’t he be like the other children?’.
Using self-compassion she can recognise these feelings and say to herself ‘hold on, all children are challenging in one way or another and no parent is perfect’. By acknowledging our shared human flaws, Neff was able to feel a greater sense of connectedness despite feeling isolated originally.
3. Self-compassion: mindfulness
Thirdly, we need to be grounded in the present moment with the ability to be self-aware, without casting judgement. Having an awareness of our emotions and feelings, without judging, is crucial to developing self-compassion. As is being able to accept pain and acknowledge how we are feeling without dismissing those feelings.
“We need to see things as they are, no more, no less, in order to respond to our current situation in the most compassionate – and therefore effective – manner”.
Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
I think this is all super important to take on board as we struggle with the uncertainty life has thrown at us in the current climate as we deal with the ongoing Covid-19 pandemic and the aftermath of George Floyd’s death. We need to be kind and gentle to ourselves to get through the next few weeks and months. For women struggling to accept themselves it is so important to develop a kind and nurturing voice rather than beating ourselves up. From here positive change can emerge.
How do I practice self-compassion?
There are various ways to develop self-compassion involving lots of great resources on Kristin Neff’s website such as: self-reflective exercises and meditations. There is also an 8-week course built around the core components of developing self-compassion. Her books are also a great resource particularly the Mindful self-compassion workbook which contains lots of practical exercises you can do (see below).
I have found practising self-compassion really helfpul particularly when I have experienced emotional difficulties over the years. Saying myself “this is hard, I am really struggling with this situation. I know I won’t feel like this forever” is acknowledging the difficulty and helps to process and accept the present moment. Neff talks about the benefits of giving yourself a hug when you are in a low moment. This releases the loving and nurturing chemical oxytocin in the brain and and will have a calming and soothing effect.
I utilise self-compassion principles as a core component of my coaching work. I would be very happy to work with you to help you to learn skills to recognise and quieten your critical inner voice if this is something you are interested in.
